Experiment 667: Media Hound

Earlier this week, I received notice that word of purported experimentation with certain cannabino-alkaloid tartrates had been leaked to the press. A scuffle ensued on Kyataru with the hapless journalist, involving several Keibatsu. Unfortunately the jerkoff had already holovid-beamed his article to the press, and so I was unable to stop the publication of the slanderous article. I can neither confirm or deny such vague fluff.

 The reporter was captured, however. I resolved to try the most degrading and unstable bio-experimental techniques on him. I still cannot believe he misquoted my remark about “Flares” as “Fairies.” This little green wretch will soon pay dearly. I am notorious for my hatred of the worthless Gungan race, and relished the idea of his upcoming agonies very much.

The victim is an insipid male Gungan, approximately 1.9 meters tall, green, stalked beady eyes, and not possessed of any great intellect. This is typical for his species, a most unimpressive subject. An artist tries to work with any canvas but this was tough. We do what we can as Artistes, however.

At the suggestion of Shin’Ichi Keibatsu, I began by removing the victim’s genitalia (tiny) and replaced them with a pair of great greasy gopher nuts. The subject responded with predictable cries of agony (yawn).

I then made a potted plant holder out of the amphibian’s rear-end, and planted a thorny Korribanian cactus directly in it’s enlarged excretory orifice. I deemed no lubrication or painkillers necessary at that time. The effect was startling.

 The hide of the beast was removed during vivisection, and Sildrin got a new Gungan-hide handbag and attaché case shortly thereafter from her Black Guardsman. A customary embarrassing mustache and goatee were grafted on, and the only reply I got was “ arrggh!”

 The experiment will continue for some time. Interested reporters can view the sample of my new work in the main hallway. They are encouraged to report with accuracy.